I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
