some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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