i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
