The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
