i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
