All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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