tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
This house was built for laser tag.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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