If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
