I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
