One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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