we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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