Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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