Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
