hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
