Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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