Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
