Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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