My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
