There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
