Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
