I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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