Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
