Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
