I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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