if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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