If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
