Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
