I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
