i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
