I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
