Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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