she woke up with a sticky ear
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
