Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
