My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
