im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
