I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
