You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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