just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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