You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
