I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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