Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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