He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
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How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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