dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
