alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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