The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
