he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
