If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Can I color on your dick again?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
