Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
