As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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