please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
