Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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