(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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