Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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