i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
