I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
