okay pat passed out under dana's car
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
