theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
