Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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