dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
