I'm lost and stupid without you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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