I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
